Aging & AI

being on the inside looking out

Believe it or not, I have makeup on in this untouched photo on the left. I got gussied up to go downtown to the Phillips Gallery in DC. I thought I looked pretty good until I saw this selfie where I appear to be just another haggard old woman. Until this point, I had walked the gallery feeling like this pulled-together, ethereal, beautiful woman on the right.

It all started when I wanted to take a selfie of me standing in the Laib Wax Room, a closet-like space built out of beeswax blocks and melted beeswax with a sole hanging lightbulb. I wish I could share the smell with you. It was sensuous, like being in a cocoon, or honeycomb. Because the gallery was fairly empty on that tail end of the hurricane Friday morning, I was hidden away from the larger galleries and major works of art and had the wax room all to myself. I felt ethereal. I’d been drinking in beauty for hours and this space provided me with a moment of simplicity that enchanted all my senses.

Since no one was around, I took a selfie. It turned out horribly (as they usually do). I looked old, worn, and definitely not as ethereal as I was feeling. That just wasn’t right. So, still alone in this part of the gallery, I tried to soften my face, relax my wrinkles, and beam etherealness. As you can see, that didn’t work either. I wanted to capture how I felt at the moment visually, but it wasn’t as easy as my beautiful teenage granddaughters make it look.

I’ve been collecting and editing photographs for years, long before AI existed. Most of the work has been based on pictures and quotes. My most recent body of work was based on Civil War-era photographs all edited to make them shine and as I like to say, quilt-worthy. Until recently, my corrections, erasures, contrast, etc. were done with Photoshop. AI became a part of my repertoire while working on the Civil War Series, enabling me to colorize and sharpen the 160-year-old photos. I did so to honor their presence and contributions through enhanced photographs.

When I got home, I ran my photo through my go-to app, Remini. I’d never tried it on myself. And there I was, the woman having an ethereal moment at the Phillips Gallery. The photo conveyed to me how I felt on the inside. A mirror image, of my mind’s eye.

And this quote came to mind -

I’d gone through life believing
 in the strength and competence of others;
 never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real.
 It was like finding a fortune in the
 lining of an old coat.
Joan Mills

I’m still me on the inside, but I am wearing an old coat on the outside. There is still a fortune of love, beauty, and creativity inside of me. I know I am glowing on the inside but just this once it sure is nice to have the opportunity to see what I was feeling, matching my soul with my body through an artificial, yet intelligent, outer manifestation.

What I feel, what we all feel, on the inside radiates to the outside. We are not perceived by looks alone. Our wrinkled, saggy wrappers hide what is really going on inside our heads, while at the same time, indicating a life well lived. It’s how we feel that counts, mentally and physically. Most people over 65 will say they feel like they’re 20 years younger. And in their mind’s eye, they usually do. I get surprised when I see myself in the mirror. Do you? It doesn’t matter how we look, it’s what we radiate that others see.

Quotes of the Week

In the central place of every heart there is a recording chamber.  So long as it receives a message of beauty, hope, cheer, and courage, so long are you young.
Douglas MacArthur

As we grow old... the beauty steals inward.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
Dale Turner