What I Left Behind
Part travelogue, part awakening
I am made and re-made continually. Virginia Woolf
Travelogue
On many levels, my experience in Portugal has been life-changing. As I wrote before in I'm Flying to Portugal, I went with no expectations. It was my intention to be a blank slate and blank I was, ready, willing, and open to receive whatever arose, both within and without.
I totally opted in. What could this country teach me? How might this experience forever change me? I lapped it up, longing for nothing but the feeling and experience of the new and the now. It was a visual and sensual delight. I have recorded every joy in my heart.
After a slightly bearable overnight flight, I met up with two other workshop attendees. We met our driver and were whisked away to the Hotel Sintra de Jardim. Our co-host/travel guide/party planner extraordinaire, Marina Grebennikova, greeted me as if I were a long-lost sister. It was the perfect start to a perfect week. It felt like I was walking into a fairy tale - pink villa, 12’ ceilings, a balcony off my room opening to warm fresh air, views of lush greenery everywhere, and the fragrance of the wisteria below wafting into my room. All five senses were firing, I was giddy with pleasure.
This would not have happened without Alex Castro Ferreira inviting Orly Avineri to teach in Portugal. The 16 of us bonded like long-lost friends, creating wonderful art, climbing up and down the hills of Lisbon and Sintra, and scouring the Saturday Feira da Ladra flea market. We visited oceans and beaches, centuries-old palaces, churches, tavernas, the last large artisanal tile and earthenware factory in Europe, all the while exploring the history, culture, customs, and cuisine of Portugal.
We fell in love with the history, allure, and aging of this centuries-old country and the beautiful imperfections that come with it.
My favorite place was the beautiful Fronteira Palace with grounds and gardens of grandeur. (We toured the interior but no photos were permitted). Descendants of the 1st Marquis de Fronteira have always lived there, and do even now.
Portugal is famous for its Azulegos (tiles). Those who know my artwork will understand why I was drawn to the original circa 1670 figurative tiles on the terraces and the garden walls of Fronteira Palace. I was instantly inspired.
Awakening
The day after I got back home, I opened a book that had arrived while I was gone. The first thing I saw was the new-to-me Virginia Woolf quote at the top of this post - I am made and re-made continually. “Yes! That’s it exactly, I am being re-made,” I thought. And then, just today, another V.W. quote came my way. “The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark.” My week in Portugal was full of visual, visceral, mental, and spiritual illuminations. Orly’s teachings struck a few matches for me that have inspired new ways of seeing, thinking and creating. This is the time to begin anew.
So what did I leave behind?
I left years of expectations behind in Portugal.
What I have expected of and from myself for the last 25 years as a working artist no longer fits. I have outgrown the art I have been making. It comes too easily. It is too predictable, a prolonging of the style and way of working that I arrived at when I was searching for my voice 25 years ago. That voice, my art, has given me so much. It has served me well and propelled me into this unplanned, undreamed-of, fantastic career as a working artist. People are interested in what I make, what I do, and what I say. I am very thankful for all of it and any and every part you may have played in making it so. I am especially thankful that you are here and care to read what I write.
So here’s the thing. It’s time for me to find my voice again. This desire to re-make isn’t an overnight or Portugal trip thing. I have felt it coming on for a year or so but have been so busy with things put in motion long before the questioning began to appear I have not been able to do anything about it.
This may sound silly, but I realized in Portugal that I have been holding back because I am afraid that I will disappoint people who might expect me to create the same art they know and love. I think that stems back to Catholic grade school when I didn’t want to disappoint my parents or the nuns. I always had trouble living up to their expectations. I was repeatedly told that I could be anything I wanted if I would just apply myself. Just knowing that was enough for me at the time. It was like having a promise in my pocket that I could cash in at any time. I enjoyed having fun a lot more than being the A+ student they wanted me to be. (I was in the Honors program for 8 years - give me a break!) Well, folks, I have been applying myself for the last 25 years and it’s time to step back and focus on self-expression created by an older, wiser, more experienced me.
As Kerri ní Dochartaigh from g l i m m e r s said in her latest post, “I am exactly where I need to be. Not where I need to stay, though. Where I need to be in order to make the decisions I need to; the ones that will allow me to make my way towards where I really want to be.” I know I am not alone in this pull towards something new, this awakening of possibilities. It feels like this week’s Super New Moon, solar eclipse, and the alignment of the Sun, Moon, and Earth is preparing us all for a new authentic creative path.
I’m in the embryonic stage, the incubation stage with a plethora of ideas and inspiration that is beginning to take form. I am well aware that there is failure ahead as I explore and experiment. I have always perceived failure as time wasted. Failure is nothing more than trying something and learning from it. Trying, failing, and trying again is how you forage your way toward something new and meaningful. I hope you’ll come along for the ride. I feel confident heading into this known unknown. I will be guided and supported by my 71 years of life experience. I’ll put my elder wisdom to good use. I really do have further to fly.
Obrigado! aka Thank you!
Quote of the Week
We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. – Joseph Campbell
Great Joseph Campbell quote at the end. Keep flying Lesley!
GO FOR IT LESLEY!! Any Art you make will be all you!! Your time to fly now! You can make anything you darn please.