Telling Secrets

written 13 years ago and I'm still working on it

It’s that time of year. Here on the east coast autumn is signaled by the changing colors of the landscape. Rust, crimson, bright and burnt orange, wheat, and gold.

I pull out my greys, browns, and blacks; snuggle into sweaters, wrap soft socks over my chilly toes, slip on my Uggs, and step outside to catch the first wafts of burning wood in neighborhood fireplaces. mmmmm.

I can’t imagine autumn without these signs, sights, and smells  –  the same way I cannot imagine a life without art, without books, without my family.  The same goes for the first snowfall, the first crocuses, the first step onto the beach each summer, all signals of change, of beginnings.

For everything there is a season, yes? And a time for every purpose under the heaven. Now is my time. I am finally becoming the person I was meant to be.

“I’m not going the be the person I’m expected to be anymore.” goes the line in a Chanel perfume commercial. It really struck a chord with me. Up until now, I haven’t been brave enough to be the person I want to be. But now? I’m still scared, but I’m doing it anyway.

Why? Why now? Because I don’t want to get to the end of my days and have to regret anything – most of all, not being ME.  I don’t want to pass through this life without leaving my mark, without making a difference. Why? Because I have to.

“It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ” K.T. Jong

I think we all have rich inner lives, thoughts and feelings that we are afraid to share with others. I’ll tell you a deep secret. So secret that I often hide it from myself… I have put up walls in order to contain my happiness. Otherwise, I’d go through life every day with tears of joy and compassion in my eyes. Everything touches me so deeply that I have had to build barriers between myself and the rest of the world just to get through the day. I find joy and beauty, beauty and wonder at every turn. Awe. I live in awe, so I have built walls to contain it. After all these years I’ve gotten pretty good at it – good to a fault. I’m still feeling, feeling raw and deep, but you’ll hardly know. I have learned to contain my joy.

Because really, what good is a mother, or a daughter, friend or teacher, for that matter, who cries at the slightest happiness? I’ve learned to be strong. I’ve learned to be the one you can depend on. I’ve learned to be the light at the end of the tunnel, the shelter in a storm, the hand you take to feel safe and secure. To do that I feel I can’t be open and raw. I’m the rock. I’m the one everyone depends on. The leader. And yes, I want it to be that way, but the cost is the walls, the walls containing my heart, my emotions. And because of this, I am reluctant to speak my heart. It’s a shame. But it’s who I am. I need to be strong in order to be the person I am supposed to be – to fulfill my destiny.

You know what? Strange as it may sound, in so many ways I believe this has made me a better person.  And now that I’m telling secrets, here’s an even bigger one. Since I was young, about six years of age, I have been trying to figure out my purpose. I have always had the feeling that I had a calling, a mission – that I was here for an important reason. God knows I have had no idea what it was. I have spent over 50 [now 65] years trying to figure it out. Waiting for a sign. Searching for meaning. Feeling dumb because I knew, sure as I knew my own name, that I had a bigger purpose. An ever-present feeling of responsibility to find it and carry it out.  

(by the way, when I sat down to write, I had NO idea this was where it would lead or that this was what I was going to say. I follow my heart which has led me here, so I shall continue….)

Look at my granddaughter. I am entranced by the expression in her eyes. I would give anything to be able to express to you, to myself even, how this photo makes me feel. But you know what? The feeling is indescribable. Open, innocent, loving life, trusting. The world is at her fingertips, a constant source of wonder, and endless exploration. LOVE.

I think becoming myself, becoming the person I am supposed to be, is to feel like this every moment.  And then to find a way to express myself in such a way that everyone else can feel like this too – complete and utter happiness. Purpose, Love.

Oops! There goes that voice again, the little one inside that says, “Who do you think you are? what are you doing? they’ll think you’re crazy!” I am learning to quiet it, to distract it by staying busy trying to become that person. Some days are easier than others. It’s a tall order.  Yet I feel called to act on it because really, I have no choice. “The person born with a talent they are meant to use will find their greatest happiness in using it. ” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Am I making sense? Do you understand? Talk to me.