Get Some Rest

before it gets you

Psalm 23:1-3
"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul."

on my favorite drive home

Psalm 23:1-3, along with the rest of the psalm, is attributed to King David. [Also known as a skilled musician and poet.] It is commonly understood that David wrote this psalm [around 1000BC], reflecting on his experiences as a shepherd and applying them to his relationship with God. While some scholars offer alternative views, the traditional attribution to David remains widely accepted. (AI)

Not to be disrespectful, I wish God would make me lie down and refresh my soul. I can’t seem to quiet my mind long enough to rest. And with the inner chatter of this busy brain, always thinking and creating, I can barely stay down when I do try to rest. It seems to be impossible of late. Ideas, projects, plans, and percolating compel me to pop up and persevere, perform, produce, pursue, and play. I’ve always been a can-do, “I’ve got this,” kind of gal. As was said of photographer and author, Sally Mann, I have “a meager capacity for sitting still”.

I have very mixed feelings about my behavior. I tend to pop till I drop. A feeling washes over me that my energy tank is empty, so I have to lie down. The real problem is that I know better. I know what happens when you keep pushing yourself, chugging along on an empty tank. You crash and burn. I learned that the hard way 10 years ago, yet here I am bordering on the same situation.

2015 was a year of growth, excitement, sorrow, travel, adventure, stress, wonder, and worry. Looking back on the calendar, it is clear that I was on a path to collapse.

January - My youngest daughter left for a month in Ecuador to work with a team of college students to help build schools. She called to say she had arrived and was safe, and that the school was fenced in and surrounded by armed guards to protect the children and volunteers.

Flew to Cincinnati for a week at my publisher’s offices to create the artwork for step-out photos for my Creative Lettering Workshop. I wasn’t used to having someone watch me while I work.

February - Flew to Santa Fe to take a 4-day Transformational Speaking workshop.

May - My father was reunited with my mother and took his place among the stars. The following day, I flew to the Netherlands to teach a week-long workshop that had been on my schedule for a year. I couldn’t resist the invitation to take a side trip to Scotland and spend a few days with a student I had met while teaching in Italy. After my return, we had the Funeral Mass for my father at Blessed Sacrament, Washington, DC, the church where I was married in 1971. I wrote and delivered the eulogy. “If I had to name one thing that my father taught me, it was how to love,” was my opening line.

July - Flew to Martha’s Vineyard for a writing workshop with Nancy Slonim Aronie, the author of one of my favorite books on writing from 1998, Writing from the Heart: Tapping the Power of Your Inner Voice. I was lucky enough to stay the week with a former coaching client. I was extremely fatigued that week, but hey, I could reset when I got home. Except, the evening I got home, we went to see a house that had just come on the market. Bought it and began packing for the move. (I later realized that the way I felt in the Netherlands, and again in Martha’s Vineyard, were the first signs of my body reacting to extreme, but unrecognized stress.)

On July 20, the family attended my father’s burial at Arlington National Cemetery with a Military Funeral Honors ceremony.

August - Flew to Phoenix, AZ, to teach for the week at Art Unraveled.

September - 1st grandson, Blake, was born. (After 7 granddaughters in a row!)
Finished packing for the move.
Sept 11 - Moved into new home.

October - hosted our daughter’s wedding at our new home on the 11th. Just the families - all 50+/- of them.
Oct 18 hosted a 3-day Red Thread Retreat
Oct 28 flew to Houston for 5 days to teach at the International Quilt Festival

I came home in November with the intention of taking a week off to rest and relax. The week turned out to be 3 months. I could barely get out of bed. (That might have been the start of my husband cooking dinner, which he still enjoys doing to this day.)

Washing my hair was a major effort. I had no interest in, nor desire to create anything. Reading was difficult. After 2 weeks in bed, I made a doctor's appointment. Blood tests indicated that I had a Vitamin D deficiency and an ANA factor of 1:640. “A positive antinuclear antibody (ANA) test, especially at a high titer like 1:640, means that autoantibodies (antibodies that attack the body's own cells) are present in your blood. A 1:640 titer is generally considered high, increasing the suspicion of an underlying autoimmune disorder.” AI

So yeah, I had a non-specific autoimmune disorder. Other than taking a prescription dose of Vitamin D, there was nothing else to do or that could be done except rest. And rest was all I could do. A January follow-up C-Reactive protein blood test indicated active significant systemic chronic inflammation.

In addition to being achy and exhausted, my mental well-being was floundering. I had no desire to create, nor did I have any interest in anything. That began to scare me. Thoughts on “Who am I without my art?” began to haunt me. What would my life be without it?

Because I refused to slow down and rest, my body took over and forced me to. I’d like to say that I learned my lesson well, but I didn’t. After spending three months in bed and, finally, the return of my energy and desire to create, teach, and write about art, I was full steam ahead. Can’t keep a good woman down, right?

Up until now, I’ve been tempting fate by continuing to overdo, but smartly reducing my commitments. I do get flares, which are big warning signs. The flares led me to purchase the 2020 book, The Lady's Handbook for Her Mysterious Illness: A Memoir, by Sarah Ramey. Research into women and autoimmune disease is low on the list (especially now!), yet an extremely common, primarily female invisible malady.

I’ve been fortunate enough not to have had a repeat of November 2015. Many times, I know I’ve been living on the edge, though. I recently made my retirement official, having gradually reduced my teaching responsibilities over the past decade.* I have a problem saying no to any requests. I do not seek out, nor accept any more writing assignments. After 55 years of professional commitments and family responsibilities, and eagerly saying yes to opportunities, it is time for me to pursue my own work at my own pace. Age is certainly a factor, naturally helping me to slow down.

I’ve shared this with you for a couple of reasons:
1) This is a public commitment to myself to continue to take care of myself, slow down, and get some rest. It is OK to rest during the day.
2) It is likely that there are many readers with similar issues or experiences. Know that you are not alone. Rest.

And please…..

PS. I just returned from a marvelous, week-long art retreat at Ghost Ranch. Many times I would say, “I’m pacing myself.” So I have learned a self-care thing or two. 😉

* I do have two prior lecture/teaching commitments that were scheduled last year. One is a local Red Thread Retreat and the other is in Ireland. If you’ve ever wanted to take a workshop with me, this is your chance.

Quotes of the Week

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time.
Sir J. Lubbock

Don't underestimate the power of resting. It builds you back unlike anything…Resting is immensely powerful to ignite the glorious star within you.
Hiral Nagda

We needed to get rid of the belief that we couldn't rest until our work was done. Work is never done.
Sonia Choquette

You have a choice to rest now and feel the peace or to rest in peace!
Dr. Lucas D. Shallua